Readers be warned: this may be a bit of a rant.
I read a post recently about parenting and support networks. The basic premise was that families used to work together to raise children in a community setting. Homes were close to one another, as were necessary services. Mothers, in particular, could rely on other mothers to take care of their children, if necessary, and be a social network for support. It's only relatively recently that, if they can afford it, families have been expected to live as a single-family unit in a stand-alone home. Raising families has become more of a solitary thing where moms spend large amounts of time alone with their children in a single home. This can lead to loneliness, depression, resentment, and boredom.
So with that said, over the past week or so I've been a bit off. Not sad really, more anxious and unsure. Despite having all our stuff again, feeling semi-integrated into the ward, and being pretty familiar with the roads and neighborhood, things have felt different. I think I've put some of the pieces together. Part of it is due to Rick traveling and Piper not taking naps anymore. I think a big part of it is having to drive everywhere to do almost anything. I don't like having to drive so much, and neither does Piper. We're used to just being able to walk out the door and to see other people and go into shops, etc.
My friend Helen's latest post here has summarized how I've felt sometimes. I've felt more pressure to be a great mother (not that that pressure isn't always there). I think Piper gets the short-straw sometimes. I love being home with her; I wouldn't want it any other way. I love getting to know her and to watch her grow and develop first-hand. However I'm at a loss fairly frequently of what to do to keep her entertained. Skipping naps has increased the amount of time I have to fill. There's only so many times that you can do puzzles, build blocks, color, paint, bake, play kitchen, take a walk, or go to the playground. I read an article once that highlighted mom's lack of interest in playing with their kids for an extended amount of time (read: anything over twenty minutes). Dads apparently don't have this problem. I've missed having playgroup three times a week. The TV has been Piper's latest babysitter and I feel badly about it. The first thing Piper says when she gets in bed with me in the morning is "I want milk." The second things is "I wanna watch a show."
Another friend of mine recently posted about how some parents "live for their kids" and others just "survive them." I'm trying to fall in the former category. It's a good lithmus test for my day: "Did I survive or did I enjoy being a mother today?"
Wish me luck on this journey. Hopefully this adjustment period is short-lived.
3 comments:
this was so well-said. I also have days when I look back and wonder what we really did that was productive to both myself and my children. i hope you continue to find the social networks you desire. and we also miss the walking. cooper and I had such a hard time adjusting to carseats and driving all the time...
It sounds like you feel the same way I felt when I moved to Sydney. I think regardless of the age of your children, there always seems to be a sense of disorientation when you move. I thought that it maybe had to do with me not having an instant social network that I would get if I worked.
But before this starts to sound like a psych session... I just wanted to say - I feel your pain. Things do get better... and sometimes it's ok to just survive!
I hope things are getting better - I too had a hard time with our move from little Concord, NH where I could walk to the post office, store, park, law school and friends houses to the Twin Cities where I have to hop on an interstate to get anywhere. I can't say that I do not still miss having that kind of lifestyle, but I have learned to love it here.
My advice for needy children - more kids. Sounds like a nightmare huh? Pay groups, siblings, watching kids in your home, swapping daycare with friends - finding these made my life so much easier and my kids more independent. It gets significantly easier when they learn how to read and can amuse themselves for HOURS on their own!
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